Andysatu's Blog

Why Do We Like Music

andysatu — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 03:13:59 +0000

I think that for each person this question could have a different answer. Music is an escape for some people. I know that my husband and son love music. They never go anywhere without an MP3 player. My husband says he hates to listen to other people while he travels Toronto’s transit system. My son is a teenager and listening to music is just what teenagers do. Music is a cultural thing but it is also an emotional thing. It can make you feel happy, sad, and strong and take your mind off your troubles for a little while. It can give you a sense of some other emotion then what you would typically have.

Some like to listen to music very loud. So loud that the words are indistinguishable, like in rock music. Is it that rush and heart pounding beat that we cannot get enough of? The music industry is indeed huge generating billions of dollars. Music moves the world. It can bring people together in a way no other genre can. Of course, it can also spark debate. Why do some people like some music and not all music? Is it just the way our brains work? If you think about it, we are actually introduced to rhythm in the womb with the mother’s heartbeat. If the mother is in distress the heart beat and breathing speed up. When she is resting, the rhythm is softer and slower. Maybe that is where soft romantic music comes from. Lovers have their own unique music to romance to.

Music can be listened to anywhere. In the car, at home, away. I think we can relate to music and the lyrics to some songs. The songs make us think about our own lives, loves, dislikes, hates and sadness. In a way, it can relax us too. Music is a source of entertainment. We have all gone to bars and clubs, listened to music, danced, and tried to forget our problems for a while. Music can mean happiness like at weddings, but it can also mean sadness like at a funeral. It seems like all our get tog ethers and parties have some form of music. This is obviously, because people enjoy listening to music. There have been studies that conclude the brains waves are affected by listening to music. Can you imagine a world without music?

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heaven

andysatu — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 02:36:20 +0000

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him.
“Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.”
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter.

Seeing the suitcase St. Peter says,
“Hold on, you can’t bring that in here!”

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying,
“You’re right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I’m supposed to check its contents before letting it through.”

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims,
“You brought pavement?!!!”

If Dr. Seuss wrote for Star Trek: the Next Generation…

andysatu — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 02:34:19 +0000

Picard: Sigma Indri, that’s the star,
So, Data, please, how far? How far?

Data: Our ship can get there very fast
But still the trip will last and last
We’ll have two days til we arrive
But can the Indrans there survive?

Picard: LaForge, please give us factor nine.

LaForge: But, sir, the engines are offline!

Picard: Offline! But why? I want to go!
Please make it so, please make it so!

Riker: But sir, if Geordi says we can’t,
We can’t, we mustn’t, and we shan’t,
The danger here is far too great!

Picard: But surely we must not be late!

Troi: I’m sensing anger and great ire.

Computer: Alert! Alert! The ship’s on fire!

Picard: The ship’s on fire? How could this be?
Who lit the fire?

Riker: Not me.

Worf: Not me.

Picard: Computer, how long til we die?

Computer: Eight minutes left to say goodbye.

Data: May I suggest a course to take?
We could, I think, quite safely make
Extinguishers from tractor beams
And stop the fire, or so it seems…

Geordi: Hurray! Hurray! You’ve saved the day!
Again I say, Hurray! Hurray!

Picard: Mr. Data, thank you much.
You’ve saved our lives, our ship, and such.

Troi: We still must save the Indran planet –

Data: Which (by the way) is made of granite…

Picard: Enough, you android. Please desist.
We understand — we get your gist.
But can we get our ship to go?
Please, make it so, PLEASE make it so.

Geordi: There’s sabotage among the wires
And that’s what started all the fires.

Riker: We have a saboteur? Oh, no!
We need to go! We need to go!

Troi: We must seek out the traitor spy
And lock him up and ask him why?

Worf: Ask him why? How sentimental.
I say give him problems dental.

Troi: Are any Romulan ships around?
Have scanners said that they’ve been found?
Or is it Borg or some new threat
We haven’t even heard of yet?
I sense no malice in this crew.
Now what are we supposed to do?

Crusher: Captain, please, the Indrans need us.
They cry out, “Help us, clothe us, feed us!”
I can’t just sit and let them die!
A doctor MUST attempt — MUST try!

Picard: Doctor, please, we’ll get there soon.

Crusher: They may be dead by Tuesday noon.

*COMMERCIAL BREAK, COMMERCIAL BREAK
HOW LONG WILL THESE DUMB ADS TAKE?*

Worf: The saboteur is in the brig.
He’s very strong and very big.
I had my phaser set on stun –
A zzzip! A zzzap! Another one!
He would not budge, he would not fall,
He would not stun, no, not at all!
He changed into a stranger form
All soft and purple, round and warm.

Picard: Did you see this, Mr. Worf?
Did you see this creature morph?

Worf: I did and then I beat him fairly.
Hit him on the jaw — quite squarely.

Riker: My commendations, Klingon friend!
Our troubles now are at an end!

Crusher: Now let’s get our ship to fly
And orbit yonder Indran sky!

Picard: LaForge, please tell me we can go…?

Geordi: Yes, sir, we can.

Picard: Then make it so!

Signs of the Times

andysatu — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 02:32:43 +0000

On October 13, 1944, the Durham N. C. Sun Reported that a Durhamite had
been brought before a Judge Wison in traffic court for having parked his car on
a restricted street right in front of a sign that read “No Stoping.”

Rather than pleading guilty, the defendant argued that the missing letter
in the sign meant that he had not violated the letter of the law. Brandishing a
Webster’s ldictionary, he noted that stoping means:

“extracting ore from a stope or, loosely, underground.”

“Your Honor”, said the man, “I am a law-abiding citizen and I didn’t
extract any ore from the area of the sign. I move that the case be dismissed.”
Acknowledging that the defendant hadn’t done any illegal mining, the judge
declared the man not guilty and commented, “since this is Friday, the 13th,
anything can happen, so I’ll turn you loose.”

“No Stoping” is a blunderful example of the suspect signs and botched
billboards that dot the American landscape. Here are some other signs that need
to be re-signed:

* At restaurant-gas stations throughout the nation:
“Eat here and get gas.”

* At a Sante Fe gas station:
“We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.”

* In a New Hampshire jewelry store:
“Ears pierced while you wait.”

* In an New York restaurant”
“Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the
manager.”

* In a Michigan restaurant:
“The early bird gets the worm!”
“Special shoppers’ luncheon before 11:00 AM.”

* On a delicatessen wall:
“Our best is none too good.”

* On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
“Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.”
“– Sisters of Mercy”

* On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaning store:
“Thirty-eight years on the same spot.”

* In a Los Angeles dance hall:
“Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.”

* On a movie theater:
“Children’s matinee today. Adults not admitted unless with child.”

* In a Florida maternity ward:
“No children allowed!”

* In a New York drugstore:
“We dispense with accuracy.”

* On a New York loft building:
“Wanted: Woman to sew buttons on the fourth floor.”

* In a New Hampshire medical building:
“Martin Diabetes Professional Ass.”

* In the office of a loan company:
“Ask about our plans for owning your home.”

* In a New York medical building:
“Mental health prevention center.”

* In a toy department:
“Five Santa Clauses — no waiting.”

* On a New York convalescent home:
“For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.”

* On a Maine shop:
“Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and
workmanship.

* At a number of military bases:
“Restraicted to unauthorized personnel.”

* In a number of parking areas:
“Violators will be enforced and Trespassers will be violated.”

* On a display of “I Love You Only” Valentine cards:
“Now available in multi-packs.”

* In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
“Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machines do the dirty work.”

* In a funeral parlor:
“Ask about our layaway plan.

* On a window of a New Hampshire hamburger restaurant:
“Yes, we are open. Sorry for the inconvenience.”

* In a clothing store:
“Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.”

* In a Tacoma, Washington men’s clothing store:
“15 men’s wool suits – $10.00 – They won’t last an hour!”

* On an Indiana shopping mall marquee:
“Archery tournament. Ears pierced.”

* In the bathroom of a large apartment building:
“When taking showers, please leave the bathroom door a jar.
This will prevent the plaster from peeling.”

* Outside a country shop:
“We buy junk and sell antiques.”

* On a North Carolina highway:
“EAT”
“300 FEET”

* On an Ohio highway:
“Drive slower When Wet.”

* On a New Hampshire highway:
“You are speeding when flashing.”

* On a Pennsylvania highway:
“Drive carefully: Auto accidents kill most people from 15 to 19.”

* In downtown Boston:
“Calahan Tunnel/No. End.”

* In the window of an Oregon general store:
“Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?”

* In a Massachusettes parking area reserved for birdwatchers:
“Parking for birds only.”

* In a New Jersey restaurant:
“Open 11:00 AM to 11:00 PM Midnight.”

* In front of a New Hampshire restaurant:
“Now serving live lobsters.”

* In front of a New Hampshire store:
“Endurable floors.”

* On a radiator repair garage:
“Best place too take a leak.”

* On a movie marquee:
Now Playing:
Adam and Eve
with a cast of thousands!

* In the vestry of a New England church:
“Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual
light is extinguished.”

* In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
“Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own
graves.”

* On a roller coaster:
“Watch your head.”

* On a New Hampshire road:
“Will build to suit
Emory A. Tuttle”

* On the grounds of a private school:
“No trespassing without permission.”

* In a library:
“Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops
taking it away.

* On a Tennessee highway:
“Take Notice: When this sign is under water the road is impasable.”

* Similarily in a New Hampshire car wash:
“If you can’t read this, it’s time to wash your car.”

Howta Rackanize Ameraican Slurvian

andysatu — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 02:30:09 +0000

Language lovers have long bewailed the sad state of pronunciation and
articulation in the United States. Both in sorrow and in anger, speakers
afflicted with sensitive ears wince at such mumblings as guvmint for government
and assessories for accessaories.

Indeed, everywhere we turn we are assaulted by a slew of slurrings. We
meet people who hafta, oughta or are gonna do something or who shoulda, woulda
or coulda done it. We hear how they love “drinkin outa bahls” (drinking out of
bottles) or how they’ve “jus been Nittly”(just been in Italy).
Here’s a typically American exchange:

“Jeet jet?”
“No, jew?”
“Sgo.”

Translation: “Did you eat yet?” “No, did you?” “Let’s go.”

In a 1949 New Yorker article, John Davenport labeled this kind of
sublanguage with the delightfully appropriate name, “Slurvian.” Taking
Davenport’s lead, H. Alan Wycherley, in Word Study, distinguished between the
pure and impure uses of Slurvian. Impure Slurvian produces nonsense sounds,
such as those I have listed above. But Slurvian in its purest form
mispronounces English words into OTHER English words.

To help you to translate Slurvian into English and to perserve the growing
canon of American non-enunciation, I offer a grotesque glossary of pure
Slurvian:

Ye Olde Glossary
of the
American Slurvian Language

-from Anguished English by Richard Lederer

Antidote: A story. “I love your antidote about the time you made dinner for
the boss.

Bar: To take temporarily. “May I bar your eraser?”

Calvary: A mobile army unit. “At the last minute, the wagon train was saved
by the calvary.

Dense: A tooth expert. “Yuck! I have a dense appointment today.”

Forced: A large cluster of trees. “Only you can prevent forced fires.”

Formally: earlier. “Today, she’s a millionaire, but formally she tried to make
a living by being an English teacher.

Girl: An article of feminine underclothing. “She had to work hard to get her
girl on.”

Granite: conceded. “Too many people take the good life for granite.”

Intensive: Part of an idiom, as in “for all intensive purposes,”rather than the
correct “for all intents and purposes.”

Lays: The opposite of genmen. “Lays and genmen,…”

Less: Contraction of let us. “Less lean more about Slurvian.”

Lining: Electrical flash of light. “We abandonded our picnic when we heard
the thunder and saw the lining.”

Mayan: Possessive pronoun. “What’s yours is mayan and what’s mayan is
mayan.”

Mere: A relecting glass. “Mere, mere on the wall…”

Mill: Between the beginning and the end. “A table stood in the mill of the
room.”

Mince: Unit of time (60 sec.). “I’ll be back in a few mince.”

Money: Second day of the week. “I’ll be back next Money.”

Neck Store: Adjacent “I’m in love with the girl neck store.”

Nigh: Opposite of day “She woke up screaming in the middle of the nigh.”

Of: Have “I could of danced all night…”

Pain: Giving money “I’m tired of pain these high prices.”

Pal: To locomote a craft on water. “It’s your turn to pal the canoe.”

Paramour: A modern grass cutting instrument “Less try out the new paramour on
the lawn.”

Pitcher: An image or representation “As soon as we get the pitcher framed,
we’ll hang it above the sofa.”

Please: Officer(s) of the law. “My house was robbed, call the please.”

Sunny: The first day of the week. “When Sunny comes, can Money be far
behind?”

Then: A conjunction “I like Sunny better then Money.”

Torment: A competition “Mabel and me have entered the bridge torment.”

Whore: Inspiring terror “I love getting scared out of my pants by whore
films.”

Win: Movements of air “He was awakened in the mill of the nigh by flashes
of lining and gusts of win.”

Winner: The cold season of the year “Many birds fly south for the winner.”
Slurvophobes unite!

Star Trek Meets the Road Runner

andysatu — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 02:28:36 +0000

…Let us suppose that the Enterprise is doing some sort of research
mission to an unknown planet. I think the Captains Log would be worth a
look:

Captain’s Log, Stardate 54324.5: Starfleet Command has directed the
Enterprise to do a preliminary exploration of planet — in advance of a
full research team. Scanners report the atmosphere to be breathable,
but are receiving confusing readings with regard to life forms. I am
beaming down with a landing party composed of all our chief officers
except for poor Scotty.

Supplemental-1: Redshirt Riley has received a head injury, apparently
while exploring under a high rock shelf. He reports only hearing a loud
sound and jumping before being struck. After examination by Dr. McCoy
he has been judged capable of continuing duty.

Supplemental-2: We have encountered an alien creature on this planet.
While it does not itself seem menacing, an unfortunate occurrence took
place when it was present. Specifically, on my orders Lt. Sulu withdrew
his phaser. The creature disappeared leaving a puff of smoke,
immediately following which a loud noise was heard next to Sulu. Sulu
fired, hitting Ens. Chekov. Oddly enough, although Sulu’s weapon was
set to stun, Chekov was also covered with a black powder similar to
soot. Mr. Chekov has been sent back to the ship for examination and
quarantine.

Stardate 54326.2, Mr. Spock reporting: Tricorder readings indicate
that the creature we encountered earlier is constantly moving at great
speed over the surface of the planet. We have encountered the creature
once again. In an attempt to slow the creature for study, I attempted
to fire on it. The creature, however, appeared to move faster than the
phaser beam. Regretfully, the beam struck an outcropping of rock above
the Captain’s head, causing it to break off and fall. Although it
appears that several tons of rock fell squarely on the Captain, he was
driven straight into the ground but apparently not seriously injured,
though stunned. The Captain has been beamed up to Sick bay, leaving me
in command of the research party.

Captain’s Log, Stardate 54342.1: The creature is still at large on
the planet surface. While Mr. Spock continues to lead a research party
I am currently at work with Mr. Scott on an Acme Pressure Cooker for our
lab, for when the creature is finally apprehended.

Captain’s Log, Stardate 54342.3: The strange occurrences that have
dogged the landing party since our arrival at this planet have led me
to believe that the creature is in some way directly responsible for
them. Mr. Chekov and I have both been declared fit for return to duty,
though Dr. McCoy has entered in his medical log that he feels we should
be kept under observation.

Mr. Spock has constructed a device which he suspects should be able to
counteract the creature’s incredible speed as follows: We have placed
dish of birdseed out in the open, with several signs pointing to it.
This dish is atop a cleverly concealed trap door, which will open when
any weight falls on it. The creature will then travel a slide,
eventually being deposited in a cage constructed of sheets of
transparent aluminum. We will then be free to analyze it at our
leisure. Meanwhile, I have forbidden all beaming down to the surface of
the planet except on my or Mr. Spock’s direct order.

Captain’s Log, supplemental: The plan failed. The creature was
indeed lured by the birdseed, as expected. It sped to the dish,
consumed the bait, and sped off without setting the trap. Mr. Spock is
as puzzled as I, and has begun tests to discover the flaw in the design.
I have sent out three search parties to see if we can box the creature
in, one headed by Mr. Sulu, one by Mr. Chekov, and one by Sociologist
Xontel.

Captain’s Log, stardate 54342.8: Sociologist Xontel has been
temporarily incapacitated. In pursuing the creature, he and his men
somehow managed to cross the place where Mr. Spock’s trap was set just
as he completed the corrections to it. The trap was sprung, and all
four of my men were suspended for a moment in mid-air, puzzled, just
before they fell into the cage we constructed. We are now trying to
release them with phasers, as the lock was inadvertently smashed by the
impact from Sociologist Xontel’s foot as he fell. I consider this a
major setback. Mr. Spock considers it “fascinating.”

Captain’s Log, stardate 54343.4: In an all-out attempt to stop the
creature once and for all, I have had a phaser rifle beamed down from
the Enterprise. The creature has behaved in an extremely cunning
manner, yet I am unsure whether this is a sign of actual intelligence.
Lt. Uhura has been unsuccessful in her attempts to raise Starfleet
Command. Meanwhile, Mr. Scott informs me that our dilithium crystals
are deteriorating at an alarming rate. He has jury rigged a system that
will prevent the decay for a time, but it is imperative that we find new
crystals soon.

Captain’s Log, supplemental: Mr. Sulu reports high energy tricorder
reading from an area of the planet in which the creature has not yet been
sighted. He has taken a small party, including Mr. Spock, to the
high-elevation spot from which the readings emanate. I have begun to
analyze the creatures movements. It seems to travel consistently over a
set path. Perhaps we can corner it in a tunnel it seems to pass through
frequently.

Captain’s Log, stardate 54344.7: Mr. Sulu has located a cache of Acme
dilithium crystals atop a high cliff. Regretfully, while collecting them,
the edge of the cliff broke off, and he and Mr. Spock plummeted several
hundred feet to the ground below. Strangely enough, they both survived
the fall with no more than raising a cloud of dust on impact, although
they did pass the chunk of rock on the way down and end up completely
buried. A rescue excavation has commenced, and they should be safe
shortly.

Captain’s Log, stardate 54344.9: Mr. Spock has beamed up to the ship
with them to assist Mr. Scott in their installation, as he foresees
compatibility problems. Back on the planet’s surface, Mr. Chekov led
seven men into the tunnel in an attempt to capture the creature in transit.
A loud BEEP, BEEP was heard, and Chekov aimed the phaser rifle and
commanded his men to spread out. I wish to state for the record that I
would have acted similarly, and that Ensign Chekov should in no way be
held responsible for the unfortunate circumstances arising from the
unexpected appearance of an old Earth-style freight train. He has been
beamed back up to the ship with minor injuries.

Captain’s Log, stardate 54345.1: Dr. McCoy has beamed down with a hypo
containing a mixture of kyranide, tri-ox compound, Scalosian concentrate,
a thereagram derivative, and some other items he found in unmarked
containers in Sick bay. By injecting a small amount into each member of
the landing party, I hope to be able to deal with the creature at its own
high speed terms.

Captain’s Log, supplemental: The latest experiment to deal with the
strange creature has failed. As Dr. McCoy was injecting a measured does
of the compound, it abruptly appeared behind him and uttered a loud BEEP,
BEEP! Dr. McCoy, understandable flustered, accidentally pressured in the
entire contents of the hypo into his arm. A full security team is in
pursuit of him, waiting for the effects of the drug to wear off.

Captain’s Log, stardate 54345.2: I have ordered the landing party
transported back to the ship. The new dilithium crystals have been
successfully installed. On my responsibility, the ship is preparing to
engage main phasers to attack the creature, which continues on its
semi-erratic course across the planet’s surface.

Captain’s Log, supplemental: This is a warning to all other starships
that may pass this way. Do not approach this planet! The illogical
events occurring here are too much to overcome with simple science. If
you have heard the events transcribed in the rest of this log, you will
learn that this creature is nearly undefeatable. We channeled full ship’s
power through the phaser banks. Theoretically, the creature should have
been destroyed; hover, the energies were too much strain for the Acme
crystals. The full force of the phasers backlashed over the Enterprise,
engulfing her completely. At first, the only noticeable effect was a
complete failure of all systems save emergency gravity and life support.
Then a web of black lines spread through the Enterprise’s superstructure.
Next, the ship began breaking up, piece by piece, falling through the
atmosphere to land on the surface of the planet. When the ship had
collapsed entirely, my crew was left hanging in space for a short time,
and finally each of us began to fall to the planet below. We have no
theories on how any of us survived, but every crewmember has reported
nothing more than a sense of uneasiness, followed by the realization that
they were several hundred miles up in the air, a sinking sensation, and
then a gradual drop: first the feet, then the body, and finally the head,
usually wearing a resigned expression of perplex. We are attempting
now to communicate with the creature in the hopes that it will prove
intelligent. Perhaps we can communicate our peaceful intentions to it.
Mr. Spock has constructed a crude rocket launcher from the wreckage of the
ship, and with this we hope to send the recorder marker up into space,
where hopefully someone will find it. Captain James T. Kirk, recording.

Naturally Right Justified

andysatu — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 23:13:06 +0000

I have a great idea for something to waste space in
this newsgroup. We could try writing some messages
that are naturally right-justified. Also, if we do
something as silly as that, we could also try posts
that are self-referential like this one. You might
think that writing self-referential right-justified
posts would be difficult, but I am writing this one
with very little effort. The trick is to just make
sure that you keep an eye on how many spaces remain
at the end of each line as you approach it. If you
think your current line of thought will go past the
end, then try to rephrase the sentence to make sure
that it ends at the exact point you want it to. It
really isn’t very difficult. Soon you will start a
habit of making all of your documents perfectly fit
within a given margin. One problem is that you may
be unable to rephrase the sentence so that it stays
within the right margin. If that happens, you must
remove the sentence and come up with another one to
put in its place. After all, the format is usually
more important than the content of a message. This
is obviously true with this message, because it has
almost no content, but the style is so amazing that
it forces you to read through this message ignoring
the fact that it says next to nothing. Now, I will
do something different. I will start to shrink the
right margin by one so that it starts to head back
towards the beginning of the line. See, there is
so much that you can do with the style of a post
without worrying about the content. I actually
have no more ideas to put in this stupid post,
but I must keep typing until I finally get to
the left side of the screen and end with one
letter. I still have a long way to go, but
I’m starting to get the hang of not paying
attention to content and concentrating on
the shape of the text. My words seem to
just flow out into this beautiful empty
article. I try to make sure that I do
not make typos or errors with grammar
because they might make it look like
I am cheating. Well, it is getting
close to the left side. Less than
forty more lines to go and I will
be done with this message. This
is starting to get very boring,
but it is still not very tough
to do. I think that it might
get more difficult once I am
closer to the end. Well, I
guess I will find out in a
short time, since the end
is approaching. It does
seem to be getting more
difficult, requiring a
more complete look at
the line. I seem to
be using words that
are smaller. This
might not be easy
now. It is much
more common for
me to delete a
sentence. It
is almost at
the end. I
can see it
is almost
the end.
Dumb is
what I
think
this
end
is
!

This Crazy Language

andysatu — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 23:10:46 +0000

English is the most widely used language in the history of our planet. One in every 7 humans can speak it. More than half of the world’s books and 3 quarters of international mail is in English. Of all the languages,it has the largest vocabulary – perhaps as many as 2 MILLION words. Nonetheless, let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb thru annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn’t a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

dumb

andysatu — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 23:09:07 +0000

Dumb Truckers

While driving along the back roads of a small town, two Arkansas truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11’3″. They got out and measured their rig, which was 12’4″.

“What do you think?” one asked the other.

The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first.
“Not a cop in sight. Let’s take a chance!”

Dumb Texans

On a shopping trip to the city a backwoods farmer bought a 24-piece jigsaw puzzle. He worked on it every night for two weeks. Finally, the puzzle was finished.

“Look what I’ve don, Jess,” he said proudly to a visiting neighbor.

“That’s surely somethin’, Willard. How long did it take you?”

“Only two weeks.”

“Never done a puzzle myself,” Jess said. “Is two weeks fast?”

“Darn tootin’,” Willard said. “Look at the box. It says, ‘From two to four years.”

accident

andysatu — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 23:07:20 +0000

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number 3 of the accident reporting form, I put “trying to do the job alone” as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient:

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which, fortunately, was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the brick into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tight to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note, in block number 11 of the accident reporting form, that I weigh 135 pounds.

Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom broke out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately fifty pounds.

I refer you again to my weight in the accident reporting form, block number 11.
As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounted for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations on my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks, and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me…I again lost my presence of mind…and let go of the rope!